Times of Testing

The last two weeks of the life of the Hawkins family have been…interesting. I don’t really have one word to sum up everything we’ve gone through. We’ve been overjoyed and in the depths of depression. We’ve been full of faith and barely holding onto belief; Angry, Elated, Surprised and disappointed.

We found out two weeks ago today that Rachel was pregnant. After three years of trying that was astounding and wonderful news. I say “was” pregnant because we lost the pregnancy on Tuesday of last week.

The question “why” is the most constant of questions. I have begun to hate my need to know why things happen. God has decided that in this life we will rarely, if ever, have an answer to that never ending question. To God be the Glory Forever.

That’s what I have learned. To God be the Glory Forever. God is sovereign. God is free. God is Holy. God IS LOVING. The reality of the universe is that ALL that happens, whether we like what is happening or we hate it, WILL bring Him Glory and does come from His hand. If I am truly a lover of God I will be satisfied with this result. I may not be “happy”, but I will be full of joy. The eternal weight of the worth of God is paramount. I can rest and be consoled in the ABSOLUTELY TRUE knowledge that He is good, He is loving, and He knows what He is doing, but the joy of every situation comes when I really believe that this too glorifies my Lord. The worth of God was again upheld by the only hand that can uphold it; the pierced hand of Jesus. When I am honored enough to be a part of His glory being upheld I will be glad.

How truly oxymoronic is the Christian faith. Where my sorrow is my joy, and losing my life is finding it. The cross is the way to life and humility the path to exaltation. Oh God just keep me close because I am weak and frail, and the more I walk with you my king come consume me with your worth.

The "real" Baptism of the Spirit

In our prayer time a few days ago we were praying about one of the things we always pray about; God giving us a passion for Jesus. We went from there to asking to be filled with His Spirit, which it struck me is really the same prayer. The Spirit points us to Jesus, only give us what is from Jesus and fills our hearts with love for Jesus. I have been fascinated again with the character of the Holy Spirit. What does it mean to be FILLED with the Spirit? What does it mean to be Baptized IN the Spirit? I heard a story the other day of a man who was disappointed with the baptism of the Holy Spirit, and the lack of change he saw in his own life stemming from it. He went to a man who had led the Pentecostal movement in England years and years ago and asked him about this issue. The elder asked him, "did you receive anything at all?" This man said, "yes". The elder said, "then be grateful for what you have been given, but NEVER STOP hungering for more, because even I am a candidate for a greater baptism."
That nailed me right there. I am filled with the Spirit of God. I love the Holy Spirit's leading, direction and correction in my life, but I am not satisfied!
In that prayer a few days ago I prayed to know the true baptism of the Spirit and God gave me a picture of a ship sinking. I was reminded of the way my Dad describes that Greek word we translate into Baptism. It is the word they used for when a ship sinks. Water inside and outside and all around the ship. Then the Lord told me what He wants MORE than tongues more than healing or any other physical manifestation when the Spirit comes, is a people that are sunk in His heart.
God desires a people baptized in HIS HEART. A people MARKED by His heart. Filled with His Desire, His LOVE, His Character, His likeness, His Glory, the very nature of God just like Jesus was. The Holy Spirit is more than goosebumps on the back of the neck. He is the one who empowers us to be just like Jesus. He is the very Nature of God's heart. That we would be sunk in, surrounded by, penetrated by, the reality of the FIERY HEART of GOD!
I began to sing
"Baptize me in your heart, in your heart"
This is what it means to be filled with the Spirit of God.
To be saturated with the heart of God. Our whole lives aligning with the nature, and the personality of Jesus.
Oh God let it come.
I ask you again Lord. Baptize me in your heart. That people won't know where my heart ends and yours begins. Holy Spirit delve deep in me, let no place in my heart be untouched by your fragrance. May your Breath Father so pervade my small heart that there is nothing left of earth or man, but only you. Jesus.
Let me love you more.
Amen

The Call

The Lord spoke to me this morning. I have been asking for fire and this morning I heard a preacher named Lou Engle say my own words back to me. The prayer I had prayed to God for fire he prayed almost word for word in this sermon that I had never heard before. He was talking about a prayer and fasting event that is coming up this summer called, "The Call". I have been to a "Call" once before and it changed me forever. I was not planning on going this year until today. Now I know that I must go. 7/7/07 in Nashville Tenn. I will join thousands of others searching for FIRE. Asking God to release a great awakening upon the nation again.

It is time for fire. I only hope I am ready

Unquenchable Fire

Last night at youth service I was praying for some kids and became desperate for the real fire of God. It happened while I was prophesying over this young lady the Lord said, "Apply the fire" so I put my hand on her head and this is what came out of my mouth, "This fire is not comfortable. This fire is not controllable. This fire is unstoppable. It is the fire from the core of Daddy's heart. The fire in Jesus eyes." I realized as I listened to this how much I really wanted the fire of God. The real fire. Not the play stuff we toy with, but the unstoppable fire. The dangerous fire. The costly fire. I want the fire that I cannot handle or control. I want to be ruined.
A little later I was praying over someone else and asked God to ruin them for real. God said, "I have to ruin YOU before I can do this."
I went over and lay down on the floor and said, "God ruin me". I felt the presence of the Lord but almost immediately He said, "I've set a trap for you". I saw a picture of a mouse trap placed in me ready to snap on my heart. "you will stumble into it in the next few days." I felt like THAT was when I would be ruined. I am a little scared but more excited. I want to be useless. I want to be powerless. I want to be faint with love. I want the real fire. No imitations, no substitutions, only this. The Fire From Your Heart oh God.

Puzzling Vision

I felt the Spirit of the Lord moving on me and the Holy Spirit stirring me to "look"
After waiting for a minute i saw the form of a man standing as if he had been hunched over. He had been reaching into the ground deep under the earth and gathering diamonds. Then I saw his arms outstretch and hold the diamonds out palms up. The diamonds were formed into a crown that adorned his head and shown with glory. Everyone saw the diamonds and were amazed at his authority. Even though the diamonds went into his crown, I saw a man crafting the crown and fitting the diamonds in it, there were still multiple diamonds in his hand as he stood. There were to many for him to hold. They were falling out of his hands.
I see a winged throne coming for the crowned man to sit in. I see him moving over the land releasing diamonds to people waiting below to catch them. They are eating them! Swallowing them whole like a thirsty man gulps down water. They are greedy for them. Some of the diamonds fall on peoples hands and their hands catch on fire. Everyone rejoices when this happens and the fire bearers carry it high like a trophy shouting and excited. the man on the winged throne smiles and throws more diamonds at the crowd rejoicing and excited over the fire. These many diamonds explode in fire over the crowd and rain down on them as they dance with joy.

I don't know what any of this means I only know I saw it. It was not a dream. I was sitting at my desk at work.
any interpretations?
Let me know!

All I really want

When I woke up this morning I felt such a sweet sense of His presence. Jesus and I talked a while and I really heard Him say that He is freeing me to do what my heart truly longs to do and that is to just want Him. All my life I have wanted more of Jesus. Sometimes I buried that want with worries or fears or sins but my heart has still ached for Him continually since the day I was born. More recently I have chosen to allow that hunger to run my life but still religion and my own self righteousness have demanded that I want other things too. Things like the salvation of the lost, or to be a better person, or to feel His presence, or to see a miracle. None of these things are bad and all of them are important and should be desires of my heart, but they can never be THE Desire of my heart. Even a desire for the salvation of the lost is NO SUBSTITUTE for a desire for HIM. So today let us start fresh. Let us choose to desire Him and only Him for the rest of our lives, and see where that gets us. I can guarantee we will see the salvation of the lost. I can promise we will see miracles. I can promise we will become better people. I can promise we WILL be surrounded by His presence at all times. I ask this question to a lot of people but it is SO vital! What is the First Commandment? Matt 22:37

“Love the Lord you God with all of your heart, your mind, and your strength”

When will we make this our first commandment? When will you make this YOUR first commandment? Before breathe in breathe out should come Love the Lord. Before eat this or drink that should come Love the Lord.

Oh Holy Spirit show us how to live this way! Jesus free us to follow the true thirst of our hearts!