Questions –

As noted in my last blog, my journey of late has lead me through some dark and twisted emotional pathways that have shaken me a bit. I am glad to say I have come out on the other side feeling more firmly planted on the foundation of Christ than ever before. That doesn’t mean I have been unaffected by the journey. I have faced up once again to the impossibilities of belief and the miracles of faith in the world of Post Modern Culture. I have asked the eternal questions again more seriously and more honestly than ever before. Questions like: does God exist? Is He the one that I have been “following” and “believing in” all of these years? How do the answers to these questions affect my life? What response is appropriate to these truths?

I want to record here some of the things I ended up with so that in future times I can come back to this and find strength:

Question 1: Does God exist? – There is no answer but yes. I see the beauty of all things around me. The order, the chaos, the depth, the love, the hate, the humanity and I have no other answer but yes. There is a God beyond this material world that shines through its clunky drabness with a golden light of glory that sings to every soul. It is Romans 1 – we all KNOW God we even know what He is like and those that have thrown Him off in order to “think more clearly” about things have thrown away the whole of clarity! No honest human being can say there is no God. This is more than just my belief it is the deepest truth of the human existence.

Question 2: Is He the one I have been following and believing in all these years? - This question is far more difficult, and I think we have to go two directions with it.
- Is the Christian God and indeed Jesus Himself the true God?
- Have I been following the Christian God?

I cannot escape Jesus; one man who upended the world in three years. Split time in half. Shook the greatest empire the world has ever seen to its foundations. Just Read His words. I have heard it said that no one can name a time when He should have said more or less than He did. He was so different than everything He encountered. So utterly “other than”. There has never been one like Jesus on the planet and until He returns there will not be again. He is the Son. He is the Logos. He is the “from, through and to” of all things. I cannot escape Jesus. He was either Lying – and that doesn’t make sense, or a Lunatic - and He obviously was NOT a lunatic, or He is Lord. He must be all He said He was because He cannot be otherwise. So yes is the answer to that first part, but what about the second?
Have I been following Jesus all this time? Ouch. I can only say….well… maybe. As I look back on my life I have no doubt that much of my “devotion” has been self motivated. I am a self centered person. There is no way around that and I know for an absolute FACT that I have miserably failed over and over again in my attempts to follow Him. The wonderful thing about Jesus is that He knew I would! He made provision for my mistakes AND my hypocrisy on the Cross! So long as I cling to His provision for my sin I have nothing to fear.

That is where I have landed thus far. I cannot say I am done questioning, but I am learning to enjoy the questions as much as the answers.

The Drift of doubt, anger, tests, and bordom

The past few weeks have been hard - there is no real reason to go into detail, but they have been hard. There has been a real time of testing and doubting in my heart. Accusation against the Lord has haunted the back of my mind for weeks. Anger at my current situation in life. Doubt thrown at me from every side. I am glad to say that, at least for the moment, I am through that season. There is the real posibility of another season coming soon, but right now I just want to sit back and enjoy the fresh air! I write about this simply because I am not the only person I know that is going through this. In truth I know a LOT of people going through similar times of darkness and doubt. Maybe it is a bad circumstance, or the momentum of life for some it is just bordom that has set them adrift emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.I want to make a couple things extremely clear to my friends who feel are in the midst of this drift.1. IT"S OK!!! - One of the worst things about the drift at least for me is the guilt! I don't feel like I used to about things and part of me feels really guilty that I don't. I am here to tell you it is ok. God is not angry about your drift. Infact I believe that often the drift comes from Him directly! He is not afraid of losing you. He is trying to build a foundation under you that can withstand everything. He is not afraid of your doubts or your questions. He is every answer.2. This won't last forever - The other thing I hate about the drift is that I usually feel like it will never come to an end. There is no light at the end of the tunnel and despair begins to creep in. You begin to wonder and even make plans about how you are going to live your life without the stability and purpose you once had. Let me clue you in. This is a journey and life's journey has its seasons. If you have ever driven west you know that Kansas goes on for a billion miles of flat grainy nothingness, but eventually Colorado comes rolling over the horizon. To go as cliche as possible "this too shall pass".3. Don't do anything you will regret - I know life sucks. I know you are mad, and tired, bored and hurting but please don't do anything you will regret when you come out of your funk. Don't burn bridges. Don't retreat into sex, drugs, etc. Bite your lip with that guy that annoys you and live life as a mute if you must but walk careful!4. Find the things you CAN hold onto during this time and cherish them. For me in this last few weeks it has been my family and my friends that have made life livable. They were my one place of safety.I love you guys don't give up!Joshy

Treasure

have you ever stopped to think about the treasure that the Lord is. today I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Not all of the circumstances of my life are exactly the way I would like them to be. In the midst of that I was reminded very briefly that the Lord is my great reward.

God told Abraham that HE would be his great reward. The Levites were told that instead of land that God would be their eternal inheritance. David called God His portion in the land of the living. The faithful in the book of Hebrews were looking toward things and living for things that they never saw while they were alive. Paul counted all the accomplishments of his life as rubbish in comparison with the glory of KNOWING Him. All of them counted God as their reward. He was the treasure of their lives. I want this.

Today the Holy Spirit very gently lifted my heart out of being bound by the earthly rewards that I desire and have been angry with God for not giving to me. I got a glimpse of being satisfied with his beauty. I got a glimpse of counting the knowledge of God as the greatest treasure. I don’t have it yet. Not really, but it loosened the grip of self – centered materialism just that much more and a whiff of freedom made its way in.

Oh God take me all the way!

The Simple Truth

This morning in prayer the Holy Spirit redirected me once again. I am always looking for the big thing, the huge moment, the place where destiny will finally catch up with reality. The Lord talked to me about that this morning. He began to speak to me about just doing life with Him. I am of the mindset that what God wants is some huge explosive thing and that it is up to me to set the stage for the explosion. So I kind of run around mixing the “chemicals” together; waiting for the big bang. I am beginning to believe that in doing that I am wasting my time and setting myself up for failure and depression.

It is the step by step of life that is precious to the Lord. The journey together learning to love Him and learning that He loves me is what it is all about. We live in a culture that is all about impact, effectiveness, output, production, but I don’t see that pressure in the life of Jesus. He was a HORRIBLE marketer telling some of His most amazing miracle recipients not to tell anyone what He had done for them. No Jesus didn’t worry about publicity. He spent his short 33 years going about one thing: fulfilling the desires of His Father. He said over and over that He never did anything He didn’t see the Father doing. He never said anything He wasn’t told by the Father to say and so forth.

We need to learn how that works. We need to look at the quality of our fruit more deeply than the quantity. Oh God help me do that.

To act justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with our God is what the Bible says God requires from us. To simply live life in love with Jesus, how much I wish I could get that through my thick skull. First Commandment First. Second Commandment Second and because of the First.