Little things big problems

I was confronted by the Holy Spirit this morning (He is doing that a lot lately He is so jealous for my heart!!).  I was asking the Lord about some emotional struggles I've been in the past couple of days and He brought me back to a point of disobedience that I had a couple of days ago.  I was supposed to talk to a friend about a particular issue, I felt the Holy Spirit pushing me to do so at that moment.  I knew I should but I rationalized about it and disobeyed.  I didn't talk to my friend. 

The Holy Spirit said that I made that decision out of fear, and that fear was brought on by pride.  He said that my, "yes" to the spirit's of fear and pride gave them permission to mess with my head in other areas.  It has held me back from worship, and a great deal of what God has had to say to me over the past few days.  Now I have been in a period of personal revival for a couple weeks.  I have been really enjoying a new level of intimacy with the Lord and a fresh desire for Him that has continued to grow and grow, but I noticed a sharp drop off over the weekend.  The problem is that I went ALL weekend without asking Him what was going on.  I spent the whole weekend closing my heart down and allowing myself to drift away.  I found myself being drawn toward temptations and had a really bad attitude most of the time.  My wife and kids hated the sight of me.  Sunday was the one bright spot.  I knew then that the Lord was calling me out of that darkness but I couldn't figure out how it had gone so far.  Then the Holy Spirit hit me with this bomb this morning.  I repented and feel a lot more freedom and responsiveness to the Lord in my heart but I cost myself something wonderful.

The enemy uses little doors to get into us in big ways.  He is very good at that. He looks for the chinks in your defense and uses them for all they are worth.  He finds the places where we are week and worms through into our lives and takes control.   Any and Every agreement with him is dangerous because it opens the doors for his influence and action in your life.  However Any and Every agreement with God opens our lives to his influence and action in our lives and we desperately need that!!! 

So Father I confess my own Pride and Fear before my blogging friends and I ask you Father for you forgiveness and your help.  I ask you to help me to see when the spirit's associated with these things send hidden darts into my mind and to refuse to agree with them.  I renounce ALL agreements that I have made with Fear and Pride in Jesus name and reject all authority that they have usurped due to my agreement with them!  I restore all authority to Christ in my life and ask you Father to teach me to say YES to every prompting of your Spirit.  I want to live, eat, sleep and breathe agreement with Jesus and His will for my life.  I choose the better part that is Christ.  He is the all-satisfying, all-delightful, all-loving, ever flowing fountain of my joy and I drink deeply of all that He gives right now in Jesus name. 

AMEN 

 

One more little note.  I want to encourage myself and anyone that might read this to invite the presence and the leadership of the Lord into every aspect of life.  I know that I often either don't want his leadership or don't seek it because in some way I feel I don't "need" it in that place.  I get into the routine and eb and flow of everyday life and my heart shuts down to the presence and leadership of the Holy Spirit.  I am asking the Lord to wake me up when that happens so I can keep my heart open to His call.

I want to give birth

I was hoping to get your attention with the title of this blog!  I was sitting working today listening to one of my favorite bands, my mind and my heart straying in the netherworld of nonthought that is caffeine crash when a thought and a desire bubbled to the surface of my murky moodiness.  I actually meant for it to.  I do this often you see.  I set my heart on a quest for the Lord and let it run without editing until I stumble on something of the Holy Spirit or at least something of a little thicker substance than the moment by moment chicken broth of feelings and convictions.  Some of the most dramatic revelations from the Lord have come in moments like this when I saturate my heart with the word and then ask the Holy Spirit to guide my random contemplation to gravitas!  It actually happened two times today but the first time is much to big and unexplored for today's blog.  I'll get back to you in a couple of weeks after I have had some Bible time with it, but I digress. 

 

The particular flash of light I want to ponder in writing right now is this.  To produce anything of real beauty and lasting significance it requires patience, diligence and careful effort.  I am listening now to my flavor of the last six months This Will Destroy You.  They are a band from Austin Texas whose instrumental post-rock has been serenading my soul.  At the moment they have shifted my entire idea of what kind of music I enjoy.  I highly recommend them, but I digress again.  I began to think about the creative process.  Some of my friends are in another state as I type and they are laboring over their first foray into the post-rock small town (I would say "world" but it's just not that big) and it is proving to be a challenge.  I worth while challenge, but a challenge none the less.  I began to chew on the reality that I have never really spent a considerable amount of time and energy on any creative endeavor.  Sure I've taken a few minutes to sit down and pound out a blog, or a few days to write a poem to completion but those things by their very nature are capturing one moment in time and labor over them would most likely steal the very spontaneity they are meant to ensnare.  They are also transient in their scope and significance; and only relevant for about as long at it took to create them, but to see something come that will have deep meaning and longevity takes time and blood sweat and tears.  I realized today that other than maybe one exception (my Casimir Pulaski book that I have been working on now for six months at least) I have never really done any extensive, intensive, costly creative work, but I want to. 

 

The Lord has called me during the next season of my life to become a deeper, richer, more honest, person.  He wants me to be a man of maturity, humility, bravery and substance.  A man of eloquence and depth born of drinking deeply from His Word and His presence and quietly, open-heartedly, searching for His revelation in history and the world.  I don't want anything that comes cheap.   I don't want anything that won't last.  I don't want anything that doesn't smack of Sovereign Holy Glory.  From that place of humble receiving will come things of honest beauty.  Things that will glorify my Holy Father and reflect the light of the glory of His grace in Christ Jesus.  Things I can lay at His feet at the end of the day and say, "it came from you, through you in me, and now finally back to you my King."

 

So now back to the title.  I heard a story once that a well known preacher sat down after a magnificent sermon and almost collapsed in his chair.  When the man sitting next to him asked him why he was so exhausted he said something to the effect of, "that is as close as any man ever comes to carrying and giving birth to a child".  I want to carry something beautiful and then give birth to it through pain and travail.  Then I will love it and care enough about it to hold myself from cutting corners and making excuses.  Lord impregnate me!

 

Amen

 

If you Love me...

In John 14:15 Jesus says, "If you love me you will obey my commandments".  For as long as I can remember I have taken that to mean that in order to prove my love for Jesus I should be about obeying His commandments.  I have heard that preached.  I have taught that myself.  Imagine my surprise when I got that rug pulled out from under me the other day.  I was listening to one of my favorite preachers John Piper, and he mentioned this verse.  He said, "I have heard that verse used so many times to say 'to love is to obey' that is precisely what it does NOT say....It says if you love me..something else happens, obedience!".  When I heard that I groaned.  Chains fell off me that I didn't even know were there!  I have always kind of disliked this verse.  Why?  Because I have always misunderstood it!  Jesus was not laying an obligation on his disciples by saying this!  That's how it felt!  How often have you heard this, "you know if you really loved me you would...." or "if you love the Lord then you should..." fill in the blanks.  A million times right!  That is NOT what Jesus is doing here!  He is not laying a guilt trip on us or an obligation on us he is just stating a fact.  If you love me you will obey my commandments.  Obedience is a byproduct of love not a requirement.  Oh how wonderful is this revelation!  You mean I can just worry about loving Jesus and WATCH as obedience comes flowing from my life?  Now the first commandment makes so much sense!  All the law and the prophets hang on LOVE!!!

 

Oh let me love you More my Jesus!  Let me love you more!

Amen

 

 

 

John 21 This Lover Chasing Me Down

I spent some time in John 21 yesterday.  The story in this last chapter of the book goes like this, Jesus has died and risen again He had shown Himself to His disciples twice now, but Peter is still not ok.  He grabs his buddies and says, "I am going fishing".  That may sound like a pretty harmless statement but for this man it meant a lot more than just a quiet night on the boat.  Peter was running.  Peter's former fishing partners all agreed to go along, to follow him back to safer more predictable days.  The got themselves out on the boat and began the age old rhythm of casting and pulling the net.  They worked all night and caught nothing.  Then just as morning began to break and their long night of hard fruitless hard work was coming to an end they looked up to see a man on the beach.  The man said, "Children do you have any food?"  (If you read in your Bible He did NOT say "fish" in Greek he said "food" or "something to put on bread").  Annoyed and not knowing who the man was they just said, "no".  Then, I think with a slight smile, Jesus said to them, "Cast your nets on the right side and you will find a catch"  Exasperated but with a feeling of vague familiarity they followed the stranger's instructions and the nets filled to overflowing with over 100 large fish.  John got a clue first.  He said, "It is the Lord!"  Peter went to jump out of the boat but then looked down at himself, he was "stripped for work" he looked like a fisherman.  He put on his outer garment and dove into the sea, leaving the other guys to work the boat in dragging the net to shore because it was to full to pull into the boat. 

 

They had breakfast then together just like old times with Jesus. I am betting Peter kept his robe closed the whole time hoping Jesus would not notice.  After they had eaten Jesus pulled Peter aside.

 

"Do you love me Peter?" Jesus said

"Yes, Jesus I really care about you" Peter said

"then tend my lambs" Jesus said

"Do you love me Peter? Jesus asked again

"Yes, Jesus I really care about you?" Peter said.

"then shepherd my sheep" Jesus replied

"Peter do you love me?" Jesus asked a third time.  Peter was hurt this time by Jesus questions.  Did Jesus doubt Him?

"Lord you know EVERYTHING you KNOW I love you will all my heart!"  Peter stated emphatically.

"Then feed my lambs" Jesus replied.

 

Jesus chased him down.  Peter was retreating to a life that Jesus had called him out of. This whole incident is almost a moment by moment replaying of Peter's original calling.  On that day Jesus had said, "FROM NOW ON you will catch men".  Peter, maybe because of his failure in denying Christ, was retreating from a calling he no longer felt or heard, but Jesus was not going to allow Peter to trade destiny for comfort.  Just like the time Peter had walked on the water his eyes were on the waves and danger and removed from Jesus, but once again Jesus was here to pull him out of the waves.  He comes gently to Peter.  With three confessions of love He let's Peter erase the three denials he made and charges Him with a new mission. An uncomfortable one and one that leads to the ultimate sacrifice of love.  Jesus was after Peter's heart.  The question wasn't, "will you serve me?" it was, "do you love me?"  This jealous lover Jesus chased Peter down to bring Him back to love.

 

I have been in this place lately.  God has set before me a path that I am scared about walking.  It is a path like the water that can only be walked supernaturally (the Lord corrected my language today He said it isn't SUPER natural it is God-natural).  The Lord is jealous for my heart in all things and above all things.  He is not willing to let me go because of my failure.  He is not willing to let me go because of my fear.  He is not willing to let me settle for comfort when he has a higher destiny of true love waiting for me.  He knows that there in comfort, apathy, and sleep I will never be satisfied, but in love even love that leads to martyrdom I will find my greatest satisfaction.  When HE is my great reward!

Jesus thank you for meeting me where I am even when it is a long way from where I'm supposed to be.

 

One Thing is here and I need a Word

Well after what feels like decades of waiting the One Thing conference is here in Fort Wayne IN this weekend.  I am so looking forward to it.  I am in desperate need of a word from the Lord.  I have so many things in my heart right now.  So many battles being fought in my soul.  I feel the Holy Spirit tugging me in a direction I know will cost me a lot.  I feel life moving at the speed of light all around me and I am powerless to grab moments from the stream and make them significant.  The truth of Jesus is burning in my heart but in so many ways it is not flowing out of me.  I have blogged before about God calling me to live the gospel and not just believe the gospel.  I have not yet figured out what the heck that means but I have a feeling that, whatever that looks like, it doesn't look a thing like my current style of living.

 

Oh Holy Spirit give me the first steps to take.  Give me wisdom to do it all in ways that glorify you and bless others.  Give me humility to know that repentance and obedience are not exceptional activities but the base and ground of what it means to be a Christ follower.  I am so hungry to really understand what being a Christ follower means in a real world.  Outside the walls of the church.  Outside the walls of my silence and complacency.  Free me from this cage of convenience and apathy!  Free me from thinking that my religious duties are anything that you have called me to or even anything that please you!  Let me hear you say that my new moons and sacrifices have become an abomination, if indeed they have.  Let me hear you say that if it is true.  Break me out of my waking sleep and give me to real life!  Life more abundant.

 

I love you Jesus - I really truly do

 

A tribute

Today I write a tribute my mother!

She deserves a novel of praise but a blog is the best I can do. 

I love my Dad too and he deserves as much note as Mom but it's not his birthday so too bad Dad!

 

My Mom has been my favorite person for as long as I can remember.  I am now and will forever be a Momma's boy and I am happy to be so.  She is beautiful, talented, capable, intelligent, passionate, strong, good, generous, honest, and brave and a million other things I cannot think up words for.  The older I get the more I want to be like her.  She gave me my love for music, movies, books, creativity, wit, and conversation.  (Gee thanks for that last Mom it got me in trouble so many times in school.)

I have watched her walk through storms and troubles a millions times and her compass never failed to point to the true north of Christ Jesus.  Her faith and strength have been a refuge for me countless times.  Her wisdom and intelligence have guided me in murky times when I wasn't sure what to do.  She and Dad together in their marriage and their ministry have shown me what sacrificial love and real commitment mean in a real world.  The constant, unfailing, overflowing, and boundless love and support that has flowed from my Momma have been a window on the love of God for me.  Thank you for that Momma.

 

One more thing.  My Momma inspires me.  Her whole life she has pursued the passions and dreams that God has planted in her heart with a holy violence.  I cannot put down how many times I have watched her face insurmountable obstacles, and almost unanimous resistance with determination and fearlessness, and then watched in awe and pride as she overcame it all and succeeded where others told her she could only fail. 

She is doing so again even now as she is pursuing yet another dream and I stand amazed once again at the strength of her heart.

 

Momma I stand in applause of you!  The Bible says that the children of mothers like yourself will rise and call you blessed and I do.  You are blessed and I love you. 

 

Happy Birthday

Joshy